October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month - Bringing Light to A Dad’s Experience with Infant Loss

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and October 15th is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. This day, known as the Wave of Light, is acknowledged world-wide with people participating from all corners of the globe. “Founded in 2003, the Wave of Light invites baby loss families, friends, loved ones and supporting organizations from around the world to join in honor and remembrance on October 15 at 7:00 pm in all time zones.” - Wikipedia 

People from all over the world take part in this remembrance event by lighting a candle in honor of infants and babies lost to pregnancy loss and infant death. I was first introduced to this remembrance day from a dear friend in the community months after the death of my daughter. Over the years as I have experienced this event, I have witnessed the strength of people coming together across the globe to bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss. For me, it started in my front yard with a few of my neighbors, and now it is something we honor as a family with our two daughters every year on October 15th.

My husband, Matt, and I have navigated the loss of our daughter in many ways, both of us grieving very differently from each other. As part of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I interviewed my husband about his own experience with infant loss.

How has your grief changed over the past 9 years? 

I am not sure it has really changed, as much as it has stayed similar, it's just less intense. Overall, my grief has become something I have learned to live with and integrate into my personal story and my family’s story. There is the obvious shock and haze when the traumatic event first happens, but after that I had to move to become functional throughout my daily processes to ensure the rest of the world didn’t crumble around me. So, I made sure to find small moments where I would let my grief flow for those first several months so I could continue to function for what was needed in my day-to-day life. As time has gone on, the small moments needed are fewer and farther between, but still something I seek out when needed.

What was most helpful to you in your loss experience?

As previously mentioned, I felt a lot of pressure to be a strong person for quite a while, and that was detrimental to my progress towards integrating the grief and loss of my daughter into my life. Ultimately, the thing that helped me to move forward the most was to go sit at Evelyn’s grave and talk with her on a weekly basis. It was in those small moments that I found a path forward. Also, I trained Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (“BJJ”) after Evelyn died. I found that to be helpful because in martial arts, and especially BJJ, if one can’t focus directly on the task at hand, their arm will get hurt or they will lose consciousness. Also, the consistent training and discipline helped to give me a reprieve from the shock of Evelyn’s death. Ultimately, I competed in a couple competitions and decided I wanted to refocus my efforts on my family and welcoming our second daughter into the world. 

Describe the arc of your loss experience. What was going on for you within the first months? First year? 1-5 years? Beyond?

With this loss it brought additional challenges, and I had to learn how to deal with those challenges. But I already recognized these challenges more intentionally than I would have before the loss of Evelyn. Immediately after Evelyn’s death I was mostly focused on the routine of getting through each day, which in hindsight I was ignoring the broader world around me. After about a year, I was able to focus more on what was on the horizon such as our second daughter’s birth and making sure she was welcomed into a loving and happy world. As time has gone on, I have tried to be more present in each moment and make sure I am absorbing as much of the world around me as possible.

What brings you hope?

Seeing growth and change in the world around me, whether with my two living daughters, my broader family, or in nature.

What worked well for you to integrate your grief into your life story? What didn’t?

Focusing on something to build a legacy for Evelyn that she didn’t get the opportunity to build herself. I have found the efforts to keep her name alive in the present is meaningful and impactful. Also, paying closer attention to old relationships and new relationships meant a lot throughout the journey. I personally did not get much out of “traditional” modalities such as church or spirituality or classic talk therapy. However, I know these personal development outlets can be extremely helpful for a great number of people and have a deep respect for those fields.

What can communities do to better support grieving dads?

This is a really difficult question to answer because everyone’s situation is so unique. I think the biggest thing that any community should remember is that every situation is different. There isn’t a single answer or process that works for everyone. Embrace that train of thought and help to listen with an empathetic ear to what the dad is saying they need because when a child dies that is really only the first ripple of many ripples to come.

What can society do to better support grieving dads?

I really appreciated having a job where everyone was extremely supportive in allowing me as much time off as was needed and co-workers that picked up my work while I slowly worked back up to being functional on a day-to-day basis. I think supportive workplace leave policies that ensure pay is not interrupted are one way society can support grieving dads and moms.

What advice would you give to others who support grieving dads (friends, family)?

Try to really listen to what that person is asking for and don’t try to push what you may think that person needs. Often listening and gentle guidance is more easily heard and appreciated.

How does the term roots and wings relate to your own grief experience?

Since Evelyn died, I have become much more interested in learning about the cycles of nature and especially trees and forests and their robust ecosystems. So, this obviously ties directly into trees and their roots and the various animals (especially birds and butterflies) are part of these ecosystems.

What is something you learned about grief that you didn't know prior to your loss?

We met with a counselor immediately after Evelyn’s death that helped to frame how we may think about the loss of a child differently than the loss of an adult. She stated that the loss of a child is the loss of a future and hope, while the loss of a parent / grandparent (all I had previously experienced) is the loss of the past and memories. Understanding that these are two different types of loss experiences (among many) helped me to better understand my grief and how I could move forward in the world.

What are you enjoying about your life now?

I like to see how our living daughters experience life and grow into their own independence. I also find joy in the broader world around me, especially in nature and spending time participating in hobbies such as skiing. Lastly, I find contentment seeking out a great story, whether that is a news story, novel, movie or any other media. I really enjoy hearing stories and contemplating them to consider how each story shares a small part of everyone’s experience in life.

I really appreciated the opportunity to interview Matt about his personal experience with infant grief and loss. While we have walked our grief and loss stories very differently, we both have learned the power of effective support from community, professionals, and more. Just like trees and forests, we are stronger together when we each get the opportunity to live authentically and support one another.