On Hope
On August 19th, my husband and I put flowers on our daughter, Evelyn’s grave. She would be 9 now and died on August 19th, 2014. The day before we went to visit her grave, I woke up feeling off–once I checked in with myself I realized I was grieving Evelyn and I needed to slow down. The next day, though, I woke up feeling hopeful and took my daughters roller skating. After we first dropped off books at the library, George Ezra’s song Green Green Grass came on the radio, and the refrain of that song includes, “You better throw a party on the day that I die.” Well, a celebration of life can mean many things, and it continues beyond the funeral, possibly in our skating. At the same time, grieving and feeling the hard, sad, emotions, is part of it too, even the celebrating part. So while we had a party roller skating, the day prior, I felt sad. There is debate about the purpose of celebrations and grief. For one, the pressure to celebrate may mask the deep need to grieve a loss and feel the hard emotions without being artificially hurried in one’s grief and actually witnessed in one’s pain. On the other hand, some people want to recognize the positive impacts of a life and celebrate the individual. It does not need to be either-or, and grief is not an experience that is compartmentalized or non-nuanced.
On Hope
August 19th is also the infant loss day of hope, so I hold onto hope while letting in the shadows of hope too. This hope propels me forward both personally and professionally; as a mom and as a spouse; as a friend and as a family member; as a grief and loss coach; and as a community and spiritual member. As I visited Evelyn’s grave, I asked for a letting go and a letting in–letting in all of the beauty, love, kindness, strength, and wisdom, to simply, let go a bit easier, a bit softer, a bit kinder. So while I took a moment to look back on August, for September, I recognize how helpful it can be to look back to move forward. As I reflect, I look to this month with hope and share what I have learned this past year, professionally, as well as from my experience with the death of my daughter, personally, to sit in hope and share that forward. I also provide a guided grief coaching meditation for looking back to move forward. If you try it, let me know how it goes for you.
Sharings on Grief
Overtime we evolve–embrace the sadness and the hope. It’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to feel hopeful. It’s okay to be witnessed in our sadness and despair and it is okay for those to witness our joy.
There is nothing wrong with you and how you grieve. You’re not doing it wrong. We live in a fixing culture rather than an understanding culture when it comes to grief and loss.
New things will come into your life that you absolutely can enjoy–recently, for me, it has been roller skating. If you would have told me that I would be rollerskating 9 years after Evelyn’s death, that would have sounded strange to me then.
New people come into your life. It may be helpful to let them in. Right after Evelyn died, there were a series of people who entered my life when I needed them.
You are not the same person you were before dealing with loss. That is okay.
Letting go does not mean forgetting. Holding on does not mean you are grieving wrong. There is no timeline for grief, and your grief will continue on with you.
It can help when people acknowledge your child’s death date–which is also a reminder to check in on others’ close family and friend’s death dates. Though, sometimes celebrating birth and death dates are helpful and sometimes they are not.
You cannot control what happens, or, what happened. You can influence your response by being open to the possibilities of being you.
Movement may help--get the words out on paper, write the song, dance, go on a walk, workout, sing, skate, paint, throw axes, throw plates (of course, not at another living being).
When you truly laugh again, it may feel like a refreshing shower or a heavy weight.
When you cry again, many years out, it may feel like a refreshing shower or a heavy weight.
You can be broken and live wholeheartedly. You can be broken and find success. You can be broken and love deeply. You can be broken and hopeful. You can be broken.
Grief Coaching Guided Meditation
You will need something to write on and something to write with.
REFLECTION - Looking Back
Reflect back and create a name for the path that has led you here to this point in time. Write this name down.
Is this path a road, a stream, valley and mountain top, or something else? Describe the path with a metaphor that works for you.
Spend time sitting with your thoughts and feelings. What is coming up for you as you notice your path?
What were key decision points along your path? Draw those in. What did you have to let go of when you made those choices? What did you hold onto?
What theme keeps showing up for you along your path?
What have you lost and what have you gained?
Whom have you lost and whom have you gained?
What is a strength of yours that has sustained you on your path?
How have you changed?
What do you appreciate about your ability to navigate your journey/path?
Where is there grief and loss on your path? Circle these on your path and touch each of those with kindness and empathy and thank them for what they have given you and acknowledge the pain and difficulty that was present and may still be present.
VISUALIZATION - Looking Forward
Now visualize your responses to the questions below
Vision your path for the next 1-2 years. What do you name this path?
What do you want to call into your life?
Listen to your heart, your wants, your needs, and your offerings. What can you give to the world in the coming years?
How can you hold both sadness and contentment or joy? How can you lean into any shame you are experiencing?
What tools do you have in your toolbelt to navigate uncertainty moving forward?
How do you want to move forward with your grief?
Notice how you are feeling now. What is coming up for you? Is there anything you want to understand more about your grief experience?
Leave this path open and revisit from time-to-time to draw in more possibilities.
“We don’t need to problem solve our grief and loss experience. We can simply name it, understand how it is showing up for us, and keep living.”
Looking Ahead - A Snapshot of Business Updates
I have spent time the last few weeks planning for the second year of my business, and I am excited to share that I will be launching grief groups in the fall. Additionally, I launched a special on my promotions page, and I am creating a more defined meeting cadence for people at various points in their grief. I’m also enrolled in Megan Devine’s Grief Care Professional Certificate Program, so I am looking forward to continuing my learning and growth in this work while serving others in this work. And I’ve picked up a few new books at the library: Look for Me There: Grieving My Father, Finding Myself by Luke Russert; Sisterhood Heals - The Transformative Power of Healing in Community by Joy Harden Bradford, Ph. D.; and Grieving Loss and Healing - 101 Stories of Comfort and Moving Forward by Amy Newmark. Let me know what you would like to see from my business.
