Grief and heartbreak, dealing with death loss of a romantic partner
Since I have launched Roots and Wings Grief and Loss Coaching, I have encountered many wonderful humans. Some of the individuals I have met randomly, some I have become reacquainted with, and others, I have connected with intentionally through networking events and grief and loss trainings.
In the new year, I met a woman filled with love and light and a gentle perspective on humanity. Anne Marie Polich is a dating coach who lives in Longmont, Colorado. Her blog post ‘It’s Over, Or is It’? examines the heartbreak and considerations of women wanting to reconnect with their male ex and has many implications for grief and grief support in those particular situations.
For this blog, Anne Marie and I connected around her expertise in dating and the loss of a romantic relationship. According to John Gottman, world-renowned psychologist and professor who studies divorce prediction and marital stability, a romantic relationship is defined as an intimate partnership where you are treated with respect, love and affection. In good relationships there is trust and commitment. While Anne Marie’s previous blog post focused on binary relationships, we recognize the importance of acknowledging all types of romantic partnerships and especially acknowledge the disenfranchised grief that is often experienced in LGBTQ+ relationships.
Grief is a part of relationships, and when it comes to romantic relationships, grief and the pain of losing someone may be especially challenging. Whether it’s the loss of a romantic partner to death, divorce, separation, or to a physical and/or mental health condition that has substantially changed them, losing a romantic partner for any reason creates significant pain.
In this post, we discuss death loss of a romantic partner keeping in mind that there are many ways to lose a romantic partner. We provide ideas, considerations, and resources for those going through this type of loss as well as for those who can support them. We hope to cover more depth with this topic in the future because of the breadth of nuance for these relationships and the many ways that loss happens in romantic partnerships. While all relationships are complicated, we are working from Gottman’s definition of a romantic partnership when we discuss death loss.
Death loss of a romantic partner
Inevitably, we lose the ones we love to death, and we lose their physical presence when they die and move on. For partner loss, this may mean significant life changes for the individual, including the roles they now have, the resources they have lost or gained, the continued or broken relationships with family and friends, and small to significant shifts in their identity and way of thinking and being in the world.
Considerations for someone going through this type of loss:
Be gentle on yourself. What does this mean for you?
You may act in ways that you haven’t before, and that is okay.
With loss, your brain is creating a new map for understanding your way of being and acting in the world. Give yourself time to work with your map and understand the changes you are going through.
Human change is not linear, so allow yourself to make mistakes, feel what you need to feel, and grieve in a way that feels authentic to you.
Grief instinctively slows you down.
Possibly, take naps - grief is a whole body, mind, soul, physical, and much more experience, which may require rest.
You may notice symptoms of grief, such as brain fog, fatigue, loss of confidence, and others. That is okay and part of the grief experience. When Anne Marie lost her husband in 2013 she had a period of months where she couldn’t remember what she read in a book, she forgot several appointments, and she felt disinterested in people or activities that normally have meaning for her.
If you were a caregiver, you may find newfound energy, however. That is okay too. The main tenet of grief is that there is no one way to grieve. Anne Marie also experienced this. After the death of her beloved partner, John, she had spurts of energy for cleaning the house, pulling out old carpet, taking some of his things in the garage to Goodwill. She had a desire to clean up and make her house fresh.
Practice gentle self care that works for you. This is something that may be different for each individual and there is not a right way to do this.
When I was grieving, people kept suggesting journaling because I like to write, and honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do in my grief. I felt so confused because a coping skill/self care strategy that may have worked for me prior to my own grief experience was not something I wanted or needed during that time. I had to learn to find other strategies, new strategies in my case, to engage with my grief. I learned that self care during grief may not look like initially expected, and one may find more healing ways to carry their grief that they didn’t know existed previously. One of those ways for me was to take slow, quiet walks. On the other hand, I have known individuals dealing with grief who have relied on their self care strategies that have always worked for them.
Acknowledge that the grief of this particular loss may be with you forever, and it will look different than it does directly after the loss, a few months and years after a loss, and decades after loss. As you grow and change, your grief will as well.
When the time comes, find ways to make life good for you.
What are you noticing about your interests? How have they changed?
For Anne Marie, it took about a year to feel her heart normally (the deep ache subsided). She was able to return to some activities with ease. Other experiences (social situations, particularly ones with couples) were still challenging for another year or so.
Questions for yourself and finding who can help you:
What additional roles do I now need to take on and which of these do I want to take on, if any? What roles do I now let go of? And, who can help me?
What changes am I noticing about myself?
How can I be vulnerable and access the resources I need while also protecting my internal needs of grief?
Surround yourself with compassionate people. Some of your friends and relatives may be more suited to supporting your grief needs than others.
Find support resources, some of which are discussed in the following section.
Possible resources for someone going through this type of loss:
Discover what is available within your local community. Contact the funeral home, hospice resources, and partner and spouse loss grief groups, for example, to learn more about what is available in your specific community.
Access support groups such as GriefShare.
Utilize mental health counseling.
Utilize grief and loss coaching.
Check out online options as well, especially if your community has limited grief resources.
Ask close friends and/or family to help you find resources.
Here are straightforward video stories from the UK of losing one’s partner to death loss.
How do I Support Someone Grieving this Type of Loss?
As a friend and/or family member, you may be grieving this loss too, so it can be especially challenging to know how to support your person experiencing the loss. While you are grieving, taking care of your own needs and your bereaved friend and/or family member may be difficult. Do what you can and take breaks as needed. Here are a few tips as an ally to someone going through romantic partner loss due to the death of a partner:
What new roles does your person have to take on immediately? How can you support them in the tangible tasks that need to get done?
For example, if someone is working a job/career, how can you help them draft communications with their supervisor about their needs?
On the other hand, what roles does your person have to let go of, often caretaking roles? For some, they may need to feel like they are continuing to take care of something other than themselves. How can you help them with this? For others, they may want to fill that time with other things, rest or conversation, for example. Be there for them by gently listening to them.
Without support, grief can be isolating, so just sitting beside someone can make a big difference in their wellbeing.
Recognize and honor the bereaved’s experience that they may need to go backward to go forward. Mistakes are okay.
Possibly ask the individual, “What makes you feel safe to be vulnerable?
Let them know something such as, “I will be stopping by at this time each week to bring dinner and be with you. Does that work with your schedule?”
Suspend judgment. Grieving people need to be around those who are compassionate toward their needs.
Each individual holds the complexity of their unique lived experiences, so grief in itself is uniquely complex, which is reflected within the sacredness of the individual human experience to experience love and life.
